Rock Bottom: Van Halen

The one constant in every established artist's oeuvre is the bad album, the one that's reviled by both fans and critics. Those unlovable albums are the ones this feature, Rock Bottom, is concerned with.

Here's how it works: I've consulted two main sources, the AllMusic Guide (for the critical point-of-view) and Amazon.com (for the fan perspective*). The album with the lowest combined rating from both sources is the one I'll consider the worst. I may not always agree with the choice, and my reviews will reflect that. I'll also offer a considered alternative. Finally, there are some limits. The following types of albums don't count: 1) b-sides or remix compilations, 2) live albums, 3) albums recorded when the band was missing a vital member, and 4) forays into a different genres (i.e. classical).

*A note about Amazon.com. I consider this the fan perspective, because most people who choose to review albums on this site are adoring fans of the artist in question.

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Rock fans are often divided on which Van Halen incarnation was the best, the original David Lee Roth years or the later Sammy Hagar ones. They are not, however, conflicted about which one was the worst. That'd be former Extreme singer Gary Cherone's short-lived tenure as the band's frontman. The resulting album, Van Halen III, is the band's clear Rock Bottom.

But for our purposes, I think it's better to consider that album an aberration and exempt it under the "missing a vital member" exception. That leaves us to find a true Van Halen Rock Bottom. And since I myself can see the appeal of both incarnations of the band, in this case it seems fairest to declare a Rock Bottom from the Roth years and one from the Hagar years.

By the ratings 1982's Diver Down is the clear low point of the (first) Roth era. Amazon.com reviewers gave it a paltry 3 1/2 star average rating. The All Music Guide gave it the same rating. Rolling Stone was even harsher, handing out only 2 stars.

But you know something is wrong when the fans on Amazon.com are the most consistent in their rating and appraisal. Most of them took exception with the brevity of the album (29 minutes) and the lack of original material (of its 12 songs, 5 are covers). The sarcastic Misfit Kid writes, "Dancing In The Street"? Are you kidding me?! CRAP!!! Yeah, that really rocks, guys! Good job!!" (You should note that Van Halen's version of the song is actually pretty good, and waaaaay better than the awful Jagger/Bowie take). Gergellor claims, "This is a product clearly released in a hurry, just to satisfy record deals with the record company" (I think I know what he means, but technically, aren't all albums released to satisfy record deals?). Lloyd Benjamin breaks out the thesaurus and the obscure references when he remarks of Roth, "He sounds so unctuous, I expected him to break into Hennie Youngman jokes mid-song."

Things get more confusing when we look closer at our other critical sources. The All Music Guide calls Diver Down "one of Van Halen's best records, one that's a pure joy to hear." This is in spite of it being the lowest-rated Van Halen Roth album in the Guide. At least Parke Puterbaugh of Rolling Stone is consistent in his rating and summation. He says, "There's a little Van Halen in everybody, these guys are fond of saying, but there's too little of them in Diver Down." He also calls the album "consumer fraud" (in addition to the 5 covers, 3 additional tracks are instrumentals, giving us only 4 true Van Halen songs). HOWEVER, the recently-published Rolling Stone Essential Album Guide says that the album "Finds the band back in top form", which would seem to indicate that something before it was worse, wouldn't it? But I digress.

What these contradictions really highlight is rock's eternal struggle between gravitas and frivolity (in fact, Van Halen's entire career has been about trying to balance that dynamic). Is Diver Down an important album? No way. It ends with a cover of Dale Evans' Happy Trails, for goodness sake. When compared to its predecessor, the darker, heavier Fair Warning, it seems like fluff. But as musically significant as Fair Warning may be, it's not a fun listen, nor can you dance to it. Personally, I'll take Diver Down.

*

On the Van Hagar front, things were also pretty clear, and surprisingly so. Had you asked me before I did the research I would have guessed that 1995's Balance was the least-loved. It's not my least favorite, but I thought it would be others'. Afterall, the three other Van Hagar albums had all produced bigger hits and sales. But I would have been wrong. It's actually Balance's predecessor, 1991's For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge that gets the dishonors.

The All Music Guide gives F.U.C.K. 2 1/2 stars. The stalwart Stephen Thomas Erlewine compares the record to Sammy's solo work, then writes that it's "undeniable that his limited vocal power had a great deal to do with the obvious nature of most of this music." He then gives feint praise, saying that the band is "tight and professional" and the guitar work "impressive," but that the songwriting is "undistinguished." To me, that's basically a coded way of saying that Hagar is dragging the band down and that Eddie needs a better songwriting partner. (By the way, the site also incorrectly lists For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge as a live album). Rolling Stone comes to a similar conclusion. In a 2 star review, John Milward says "F.U.C.K. is so overstuffed with zigzagging guitars and blustery vocals that it almost forgets to rock." He also thinks that Sammy Hagar is a better singer than Roth, but a more pedestrian a frontman as well.

But what if you actually like Sammy? What will you make of it then? Amazon.com reviewers should be able to shed some light. They gave the album a 4 star average. Wouldn't you know that all of the 1-star reviews are incoherent and/or Hagar haters? The 2-stars are a bit more enlightened. AsTheWorldBurns writes, "Although Hagar's lyrics are more mature than Roth's, they are also much more bland. Eddie seems to have turned in to more of a rhythm guitarist here as his crazy guitar solos and tapping segments are absent here." An anonymous review does my work for me: "This is by far the worst of the discs with Hagar as singer. With the exception of Right Now and Top of the World, the rest of the disc is just plain boring."

And that seems to be the most apt word. For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge is a tiring disc. Songs run an average of 5 minutes each and very little about the album is subtle. The hits, Right Now, Runaround, and Top of the World, are good and helped propel the album to 3X platinum sales and a Grammy for best hard rock performance, but still aren't enough to buoy up the rest of the songs. In this case I think the fans and critics got it right.

*

So that's Van Halen. Three singers, three Rock Bottoms, but still worth hiring to play your birthday party when you get a bunch of reward money for saving Brook Shields from drowning.

Rock Slide

You're about to be inundated with Rock Bottom entries.

When I started a feature investigating artist's "worst" albums I had no idea how much fun it'd be! Though I had originally only intended to do an unlucky 13 artists, I've kind of been on a roll (so to speak) lately.

So you've already seen entries for The Beatles, Talking Heads, and Madonna this year, and coming up in the next few weeks we've got Van Halen, They Might Be Giants, "Weird Al" Yankovic, and Jay-Z. These four will bring the number of entries up to 22.

(Click here for an index.)

And it's all a precursor to something new I have up my sleeve. Thanks for reading!

253. XTC: Wasp Star (Apple Venus Volume 2) (2000)

Since we only get a year that ends in 0 every 10 years, I thought it might be fun to look back at interesting albums from 1980, 1990, and 2000. Finally...

After 7 years of being unable to officially record because of a dispute with Virigin Records, British power pop group XTC finally returned to the scene with 1999's Apple Venus, Volume 1. The songs were lush, acoustic, and pastoral. XTC's sound had included that element in its later years, but never had it been so pronounced.

2000 saw the companion album, Wasp Star (the Aztec name for Venus) released. Its songs showcased the rock-oriented XTC we were more familiar with. Both records were heralded by critics and fans as a triumphant return. Little did we know that they were also a triumphant, two-volume swan song.

I guess we should have known; there were clues. Longtime guitarist Dave Gregory had quit the band before they'd even finished Apple Venus. XTC had not had a permanent drummer since Terry Chambers left in 1982. Though bassist and second songwriter Colin Moulding didn't quit the band until after Wasp Star, his interviews around the time revealed that he had all but lost his interest in being a rock star (figures, his two songs on Apple Venus were about gardening and going out for a drink at the pub). That left lead singer and songwriter Andy Partridge as the proverbial cheese standing alone.

Wasp Star, despite Gregory's glaring absence, does not sound like a last gasp. Though not in the pantheon of XTC's great albums, some of its individual moments stand with the band's best work. Opener Playground is a singsong examination of the ways childhood and adulthood run parallel: Dealings with girls are complex, bullies persist in better disguises, and conformity is valued above all else. The propulsive Stupidly Happy is as joyous a love song as you'll find and the jazzy You And the Clouds Will Still Be Beautiful mines similar romantic territory. Church of Women strikes a reverential tone toward the fairer sex. It's appropriately hymn-like.

I'm the Man Who Murdered Love, also known as The Ballad of Dick Cheney, is cynical Partridge at his finest. It concerns a narrator who has assassinated the underapprecited Love: "I put a bullet in his sugar head / He thanked me kindly then he lay down dead / Phoney roses blossomed where he bled." Finally, Closer The Wheel and the Maypole is an mash-up of two song parts. The first finds Partridge indulging in his trademark double entendre (e.g. "I've got the seed if you've got the valley") while the second shifts tone into a philosophical rumination on the end of a relationship ("Wedding cake begins to must and moulder / And what made me think we'd be any better"). It's the yin and the yang and the perfect way to sum up and close out XTC's career.

We're All Light are not on the same level as those six, but it does have its charms. It's a collection of barely comprehensible pick-up lines using junk science. However, I do like the bridge quite a bit. Partridge's famous libido is on display in a limber rap: "Don't you know where you itch there's a little tiny switch / And if you let me in I can show you just the pin / That you put in the slot where the element gets hot and the stuff just pours out."

Unfortunately Partridge's wordplay isn't as strong or clever on My Brown Guitar or Wounded Horse. Both are fine musically, but the former seems to be reaching for some sort of extended metaphor that escapes me (and if it's supposed to be sexual, I don't wanna know what the brown guitar stands for). The forlorn Wounded Horse is clumsy, with the narrator comparing himself to a horse to describe his pain upon discovering his girl "riding another man." It's a mixed metaphor, and crude to boot.

Finally, there are Colin's three contributions. They don't match up with his greatest songs (Making Plans For Nigel, Ten Feet Tall, Wake Up, Grass, King For a Day, etc.), but they're enjoyable. In Another Life is a window into a long-term marriage and the way love can give way to familiarity. Moulding imagines different ways he could spice things up, like showing up in a candy commercial or a romance novel. Boarded Up is similarly realistic and personal, detailing the ways a small town has deteriorated culturally and given over to generic big box stores. XTC are from Swindon, England, a town that by many accounts has seen better days. Finally, there's
Standing In For Joe, a devilish tune about a guy who moves in on his pal's girl.

In retrospect, it's hard not to feel bittersweet about Wasp Star. Despite its pleasures, it represents the end of one of the best bands of the punk / new wave era, and the pop world is all the worse for the loss.

Grade: B-
Fave Song: You and the Clouds Will Still Be Beautiful